the ship of fools

I was thinking the other day. I was listening to a podcast or maybe even reading a book. The thought was love is a fools game. I don't really remember the context. I just came away with this idea. I am okay being the fool. We have to be in order to believe in love.

I told a friend. "Sometimes it helps to get a crumb to help paint the bigger picture. Well...the one we want". What does it mean? It means that my heart needs a proverbial crumb. It helps me paint the picture of what I want to see. The smile she gave me...even if it isn't really for me or there at all. It could be the broken radio silence from her. She knows I am there!! I know it is foolish. Given my circumstances. This is the life I was given. I can't change it. It is how I think. It is how I am. I can't change it. I am the eternal fool sailing on this uncharted water of life.

retarded over love

the name Alma Gomez. wow!! i would venture to say she was one of my longest crush. i have always been a little retarded about love. lets just say i never stepped up to her. i never told her how i felt. i just remember having a huge crush on her.

little history...i kissed her when i was in kindergarten. maybe she kissed me. i can never remember that far back. ok...she kissed me sounds more like it. i am quite afraid of women. i realized this when i was talking to Sonrisa. we were "boyfriend and girlfriend". how much of that is true or in my head? hell...i will never know. i just remember holding hands with her. it was pure and innocent. flash forward to about 1st grade and you find me going to another classroom and she went to another classroom. being young and dumb. well...the romance ended. if you can call it that. flash forward to about 4th grade. me still pining for her. catch glimpses of her walking around in my neighborhood. she lived on ashland and chestnut. hell...that is a whole 'nother world!! it was never meant to be. i just remember still liking her when i was in 7th grade. she eventually transfered out of our little school Elizabeth Peabody Grammar School. i never saw her again. the name was etched into my memory. Alma Gomez.

I came across this name while working on some files. She left me a voicemail. I am returning her call. I am sure not the same girl. Well...Alma, if you are out there. Give me a call. The universe has me lifted under S for Santiago.