The epiphany of marriage

There are so many things going on in my life that are pulling my emotions in different directions. There is helplessness. There is being overwhelmed. There is being busy. Granted, I may be focusing on all the negatives. It may be that I have to reorganize my thoughts and change my attitude. This is difficult at times because the negative energy is overwhelming the positive. The other issue is there is no time to refocus energy. I am contantly just reacting to the situation. The positives come and go in fleeting moments. I wish to to package it into a jar and sip on it when the negative is at an all time high.

Here is a list of 5 things that make me happy:
1. spending time with my family, when I am not in a funky mood. lol.
2. drinking a really good cup of coffee from organic beans.
3. drinking some alcohol with some really good friends
4. reading a good book
5. sometimes being done with a task needed to be done (i.e. fixing the car, cleaning, buying a cable i need for my computer or entertainment equipment.

I went out with my wife and her family this weekend. I love my brother-in-law (this one at least) and my sister-in-law (one out of the two, lol). It is the rest of the crew that I feel like I can not connect. It brings back some emotions of not belonging when I was in high school. It is muddled with ackward silence and then once a drink or two is in me...then bam! I am all giggles and joking. I am actually a very sociable guy. I just have to be on my best behaviour with these people. I have to censor myself. I can not be "me". I think that is what really bothers me. Why am I censoring myself? My wife has chastised me in the past because I can be a little crazy. I just realized that. I can get sloshed with my friends all the time. They do not judge me. My wife does judge me. She censors me. Wow...I did not see that. I am sure I had seen it. I had just turned a blind eye to it. I wonder what this tells you about me.

te mando los besos

beso El Viento
pidiendole que te lo de por mi
esperando que el beso te encuentre bien
contenta y agusto
sera que me llamas con tu mente
sera que eres un sentido perdido
no lo se
pero dispuesto estoy
para descubrir lo que me espera

Mi alma se altera

Sueño con ella otra vez. Mi Alma. Me viene inocentemente. Era un dia muy soleado. Conduci mi coche hacia un edificio muy bonito con muchos vidrios. Sera un museo, me pregunto. Entro y me siento a ver una obra de teatro estudiantil.

Parece un lugar muy obscuro. Al fin de la funcion, la encuentro a la orilla del teatro. Yo estaba en medio de una conversacion con una maestra. Parece que hablabamos de besos y salir a comer. Saludo a mi Alma de lejos y camino hacia ella. La abrazo con todo mi corazon. Le pregunto por que se habia hido sin decirme adios. Por que nos habiamos perdido de hablar. Me ha hecho mucha falta. Dice que no es nuestro tiempo o algo por el estilo. Se disculpa y me dice qe se tiene que ir. Tiene una cita que no puede perder. Todo una novela. lol. Se va con un beso y un abrazo.

Se acabo la obra de teatro y salgo a mi carro. Que creen? Se lo han revolcado. Con eso despierto. En el sueño pienso que no se lo han llevado. Tiene que ser otra cosa. Pero si se lo ha llevado la grua.

La ilusion que eres mia

Mi muñeca de oro. Me doy la ilusion que eres mia. Se que eres tu proprio dueño. Aun asi me dejo llevar por esa ilusion.

Me responde...Pero soy tuya!!

Me Alegro que pienses eso. Mi corazon lo quiere creer. Lo quiere creer con todo mi ser. Pero veo la realidad. Yo se que no te puedo disfrutar como quiero. No puedo quitarte las lagrimas con mis besos. No te puedo agarrar de la mano y pasearme por un museo contigo. No puedo besar esos labios de miel. No te puedo abrazar y compartir una vida eterna juntos. Solo me arullo en tu amistad. Lo unico que puedo disfrutar contigo. Una amistad con todo el amor.

I am going thru some emotions. I am not sure what to label them. I am sure some would label them depression. They can also be labeled loneliness. The question is how much of this is weather related and how much of this is personal.

I miss the heat. The cold makes me hurt. It also does not hurt that I kind of had a little accident. You know...the wrestling shows have the advertisement of don't do this at home. You would think a grown man like me would have adhered to the warning. I did not. I was doing some wrestling moves on my kids. Well...in the process I hurt my back. I have had this pain for like a week. It comes and goes. I have had this injury before. It just gets aggravated sometimes with various things. There is no one set cause and effect. The last time I got like this was because it was cold and I did not cover my back. I don't know if you subscribe to that theory that se te metio el frio en los huesos, but I think it is was happened to me. I am getting better, but it annoys me that I feel like this. I have too many things to do. Ok...well talk to you later. ttfn.

She loves me, she loves me not and zombies.

I am going to just type. It is going to be fiction and non-fiction intertwined. The room was filled with smoke. Our conversation was serious. I watched her lips form the words. Those beautiful lips. The buzz of patrons having a good times fill our ears. She looks at me and smiles. I can't help but fall in love with her again. She tells me she needs someone. My telepathic messages tells her...I am that somebody!! She must not be on that frequency. I smile at my own joke. I stop myself from kissing her at every clever line she delivers.

We revisit our past history. She tells me I have a way of being a smooth talker. I act surprised. Who have you been talking to? You are definitely getting some incorrect information. Trying to be formal. She sees right through me. You see...I have never really had luck with the ladies. I have faked it all the way. She seems to buy it. Her whole body tells me she wants me. Her words tell me otherwise. She moves closer to me. The room is getting more crowded and louder. It is making our conversation a little harder. We share some appetizers. We drink our drinks and order another round. The waitress was scoping me out. She looked at me a little longer than she should have. My partner sees that too. She tells me, "The waitress likes you". I pretend not to notice. Still, my focus is on you mi amor. I decide to tell her. She smiles without another word. Instead she eats her nachos letting the moment pass. I wonder who has she really been talking to that would make such a comment. Look at her eyes to see what she is thinking. She hides her feelings well. She touches my hand and tells me she remembers seeing a friend of ours. Strokes my hand with her thumb.

I am sorry that is all I got. I had a dream about zombies again. I was traveling thru the city. It seems it was a wasteland. It was also part my parent's little pueblito. There were buildings I was climbing and looking for remnants of a movement that was trying to survive.