Jumbled...

The emotion I am feeling at the moment. It is hard to think straight. I am listening to a really good band, Say Hi to Your Mom. I believe they have shortened it to Say Hi. Maybe I am manic depressive as Sonrisa tells me. I don't think I am. I hit highs and lows based on my circumstances. If my mind is occupied, then I am okay. I don't have to focus on the negatives of my life. I am sure this is common with most people. At the moment, this girl's name is throwing me for a loop. It is the name and the music.

On the other side of the moon, I am back on my regular routine. I am feeling great. I am loosing weight. My clothes fit awesome. I do need a hair cut. I need to find time to cut it. Either go and get it cut or cut it myself. I have been cutting my own hair for about 6 months. I have gotten nothing but compliments. Granted...they could just be acting nice.

My job is also making me anxious. It is the tediousness of it all. I guess I understand my father for leaving the states and heading to his home country. He is out there just living off the money he has saved. No job. No responsibilities. Well...except the upkeep of their home out there.

My obsession...

She stares at me. Maybe she really doesn't. I think about her. She must not think of me. Still...I find myself at odds with myself. Should I txt her? Call her? I hold back. Even when I cave. I feel like crap. Why do we like to suffer. I have made my prison of torture. Decisions have been made.

On another note, I went out drinking last night. I feel guilty every time after a night of drinking. I don't know why. Maybe it is money wise. I miss my days of drinking at home. I am at times a solitary creature and feel better when I am alone. Don't get me wrong...I feel like crap when I am isolated.

My grandmother passed away. I was close with her. I couldnt go out to Mexico. I was sad. I think I still am. Me and my emotions are out of sorts at the moment. It is hard to explain.

The object of my attention

Have you ever had an object stimulate your brain? I ask this because it seems the water bottle with the White Sox logo has made me recall a nice time I had. The bad part is it reminds me of something that happened a while ago. A romantic adventure that was nice and innocent. The bad part is that moment is in the past. It is not in the present. My soul wants it to be in the present.

I am contemplating writing a book. I am sure I won't get very far with this idea. It is more for peace of mind. I have a theory. The more you talk about an issue, then the more it makes it real. The more real it is. The more it forces you to resolve the issue or issues. This is true when one can't seem to open up to someone about the specific topic.

I had a breakfast group. The three of us would get together and hash out what ever we were feeling. It was like group therapy. It nurtured our soul. I miss those days.

I want the grill that makes me feel

Apparently, my little one calls girls, grills. It was quite funny. I was informed my 13yr old. The 3 yr old is adorable. I wish you guys could see him. He is just plain old beautiful. It is a shame that they outgrow that fairly soon. I have my 13 year old that was once cute and awesome like that. I love him too. It is just the fighting between him and the sister is unbearable. Granted. My daughter is a crier. Is it okay to say that? Sure. The other day I was sitting in the room with my youngest. We are watching the best summer movie ever. The Sandlot. Apparently my older kids were watching it one day downstairs and my 3 yr old Eli caught it with them. So...that lead to countless watching of the movie. We had to curtail it a little because he began saying the word Shit. *mouth open*. I know. It was horrible. I told him. We can't say that word. It is a bad word. He only said it two more times. Still...the damage is done. Flashes forward to a potty mouth 4 yr old. lol.

At any rate, all I hear is her wailing. I get upset because I know he is a bully to her. Granted she is just trying to bother him. So...I am enjoying a nice moment with Eli and I hear her wailing. I run over to see him running up the stairs. I assumed he did something so I hit him. Mind you...it was not closed fist or anything. I am sure it didnt even hurt him. Maybe more emotionally. It was his bday after all. I felt horrible. Come to find out...that he didnt do anything to her. He turned off the light and slammed door in front of her on the way up from basement. I didnt find this out til later once I calmed down and went and apologized to him. It was nice. We had a heart to heart conversation. I then go yell at her. Did he do anything to you? Did he hit you? I am talking to you. No answer. She finally musters a no. I then lecture her. You would think they would learn their lesson. Two days later. It is the same thing. I am trying to get ready for work. I am taking them to sitters and I hear her wailing again. I run up and I hit both of them this time. I tell them. I don't want to hear any more of this. Both of you respect each other. Otherwise, I am going to hit both of you. They have since calmed down. Lets see how long that lasts.

Lecture them both on the way to the sitters. They said they both understand. I told them it is only going to get more hectic in the morning guys!! School is going to start soon. I need everyone helping out. Otherwise, we will always be late and stressed out. I want to be able to trust you guys and get stuff done. We shall see how it goes.

Tanto que me haces falta...

No tengo tiempo para recordarlo
Me pensa tanto que sigo olvidando
El hecho de no pensar en ti
Aun los alientos que me das
Son ajenos por no poderte responder.

I feel in love with nature today. I went for a walk during lunch. I do this on occasions. This is especially when I need to talk or vent to God or the universe. It helps clear my head. There is a park by my office. There are a lot of trees. The are shedding their seed. The circle things with the seed in the middle. They were all falling in the millions with the wind. It was just beautiful. It reminded me of a scene from Hero with Jet Li. It made me thankful to God. He did this. Maybe to cheer me up or maybe just because he wanted to. I was just lucky to be there to observe it.

Listening to Hello Seahorse! Bestia album. Song: Oso Polar.

The Great What If

I am sure these are lyrics, but i hate that i am stuck on a moment. Unable to realise that it is a fleeting point in time. I need to learn to stop mixing the past with the present and feeling those moments like they are the present.

The other day i was thinking of this girl named Stacy. I knew her in high school. She was on the pom pom team. Every day for this one year, we would meet up at this stair case between classes and kiss. I never asked her out. Why? I dont know. She may have had a boyfriend. Oh she was very pretty and had beautiful eyes. At any rate, I was hurting cause of that moment. Lol. Isnt that funny.

Why hurt for such a brief moment? There is no point to it.Dreams are evil, but is all we have in lack of a better thing. Bottom line the it has always been the what ifs that kill me. In these moments, that is how I get. I listen to music as a sort of therapy and sometimes daydreams help me at points. Even then the emotion overpowers the music and my therapeutic methods.

The words that haunt me

She slips away from me in dream
no matter how hard I hold on
Her smile seems faint
don't want to close my eyes
fear she is gone
fading like...
an old photograph.

ok...the first line is what was on my mind. the rest just came to me.

her silence

it deafens...
like the sound of thunder in my ear.
it withers my heart.
making me feel sluggish.
is it cause she cant see me...
have I turned invisible.
waiving my arms...
try to signal her.
i do not register on her monitor.
feel the tears come.
the pain wash over me.

i dont know where this came from. i have my ideas. complex patterns of life. words paint the pictures of the thoughts.

i went out last night. got together with some bloggers. it was fun. i life for those moments. got to hang with sonrisa. i had missed the crew. i really did. well...catch you on the flip side. time for lunch.