Sunday- a long day

This is meant to be a window. A window into my Sunday. Let see how it plays out. Wake up. Baby is stirring. It is almost 5. Really it is 6. My vcr does not know they delayed the fall back daylight savings time change. I think nothing unusual. He has been waking up around 5. He just began switching his schedule. His pattern. He still wakes up at 3. *flashback* I thought it was strange cause the VCR said almost two. I thought it was too early for him to want a bottle. Yes...he is still not sleeping thru the night. I give him a bottle at 3 in the morning. *flash forward* I wake up to entertain him. "Good morning, Bebe", he smiles. "Bebe" said in the spanish version. I love his smiles and the way he raises one hand to signal me to come over. I see my other two have slept out in the living room. I change Bebe's diaper. Play with him for 30 mins or so before the kids wake up. They come over to help me. Around 7, I go to kitchen and work on breakfast. I am making pancakes this morning. I sit the baby in his high chair. Give him some of the lids and knick knacks he likes to play with in the morning before getting his breakfast. I wash some dishes and yell at kids to come and help me. We are supposed to be getting ready for church at 9. I start making the batter. Bisquick makes the best kind of batter. I add a little vanilla in the batter to give it a different taste. My family loves the pancakes I make. My daughter feeds Bebe his cereal. She likes to be helpful. I send my son to clean up living room. The batter is ready. Bebe has been feed. The misses gets home and it is almost 8. I have to get in the shower. I trust my daughter to finishing up the pancakes. The misses takes care of Bebe. I jump in the shower.

Bebe gets cranky and the wife takes him to get him to sleep. I am in the shower the kids are now making breakfast alone. I am still tired and not full awake. I hate mornings in my apartment. It is to damn drafty. I hate this cold in the mornign before I am fully dressed. I finish showering and get dressed. My kids have not burned the house down. Yay...they are horsing around. They burn the last little pancakes they are making. They are not to bad. They argue who is going to eat the burnt ones. Guess who eats them. I half complain about why i get the burnt ones. The pancakes are still very yummy. The kids finish having breakfast and I argue with them on what to wear. The kids have to be at church early because they have to serve. They are altar servers. It is 820 and the wife and Bebe are sleeping. I take it they are not going. I ask the wife if she is coming or going to sleep. She said, I want some of those pancakes. I help her get up. I tell her the time. She eats her pancakes quickly and we all go to mass. Bebe was sleeping, but I think my oldest woke him up cause I sent him to clean up the living room again. He did not clean it up well. He left alot of my daughters stuff on the floor. I yell at him and tell him I dont care if it is not his stuff. I tell him he needs to pick up everything. I find myself yelling at them a lot. Mental note...need to yell more. lol. jk. Yell less.

Getting into van with 15 mins to get kids to church. Luckily it is down the street. They jump out. They are still talking among themselves about the weather. We yell at them to run. They have to be inside, put on their robes, get the other little preparations for the mass. Sitting there chit chatting about the weather. *Shakes head at them* Pastor talks about the need to not judge others even if we are righteous. We should leave that to God. He is the judge of all things. See...I pay attention in church. Actually, this time I did. lol. Most of the times I forget. As soon as we leave church.

Get into the car and tell the wife to get his bag prepared. Three calls take place. I have to go get some tickets from my uncle that lives close by. They are letting us have some free tickets to the AIBA World Championship Boxing. I rush to pick up the parents. We are 30 minutes late. My wife forgot to pack up the Bebe formula. She thought I was going to be mad. I was not that mad. It was annoying. Luckily, I had to pick up those tickets close to the house and I was on the way back to get my parents and it was on the way. Otherwise, I would have been more upset. The boxing was nice. It was interesting. I could not watch it all. Bebe started out very interested in the blue and red boxers moving around. I think he lasted about 10 mins interested and then was bored. My daughter on the other hand was not interested at all.

Sidenote- I took them the day before to the National Museum of Mexican Fine Arts. My kids were asking about "why don't we celebrate Halloween?" Everyone in my parents neigborhood have the decorations. Web, pumpkins, skulls, bats, and Frankenstein's. I told them, "It really isn't a christian holiday." We celebrate "El Dia de los Muertos". I took them to see the exhibits and how we celebrate it. The funny thing is that my son was like can we go now. He was so bored and is more into sports.

My son was really interested in the boxing. It was funny how things got flipped like that. Still we stay til the end. The kids are supposedly hungry. My mom had made some taquitos de frijoles con huevo. They were so yummy. We ate them before going in. They claimed to be still hungry. I know all they really wanted was popcorn and the Dippin Dots. What is it with kids that as soon as they see the junk food, they want some? lol. I tell them we will get some food after the match, besides they just had some food. We get some lunch after at la Pasadita. We have to go there Sonrisa. It is awesome. La parrillada looked so good. The old neighborhood has changed. I think about Alma again. I wonder where she is?

We head over to my other uncle's house. Bebe has been in and out of sleep. He likes the traveling. He does not sleep a whole lot. Well...his sleep patterns are weird. Duerme como gato. lol. I have to give my cousin some caramel apples. I want one now. lol. Btw, I want some cake or something sweet. The whole day I have been craving something sweet. I would prefer some sort of cake. I am not sure what kind. I am stressed out by this time. Nothing really major has occured, but I am just tired of going all over the place. It is an eventful day. My son nags me to play football with him. I would love to, but then who takes care of the baby. My aunt takes him. Oh yeah, my uncle R, who is medio agrio, takes a liking to my son. "Tiene una sonrisa muy bonita" dice mi tio. I feel good cause my son is the cutest thing. I wish I can freeze some of these moments and put them into picture or painting even.

I rest for the little minute that he is distracted. I am really worn. Around 5 the bay gets fuzzy. He is really tired. It is time to go. Me despido de la familia. I almost drive home. I forget my parents are still with me. lol. I was on autopilot. It is funny because I was talking to my dad about the expressways. Imagine if I had not been talking to him. I would have been home and been like, "Oh, I do have to take you guys home" lol. Meanwhile, my brain was still thinking, I want something sweet. I want a milkshake. I want some pan dulce. We eventually go home. We have nothing. I let them have their favorite for dinner, Peanut butter and Jelly sandwich. They kind of complain. My daughter in particular. She wanted me to take them to McD's. I am like no thank you. I have no money right now. The evening is particularly rough. The chaos ends with Bebe being utterly upset cause his bottle did not close right. I had to take it out and fix it. He did not like it. He was screaming for an hour. He did not want to calm down. I was walking around with him. I was rocking him back and forth. Nothing. He would not stop. I felt helpless. I had already been wanting to make myself a drink. This made it even worse. I yelled at my kids cause they were not helping with their noise. They are always horsing around when the baby is trying to sleep. Two times I almost had Bebe asleep, but they made some noise or were watching tv too loud. It was frustrating and I yelled at them. I told them to turn it off and go to bed. I finally got the baby to sleep. I was singing to him. A spanish lullaby. Arrarorrro nino. It eventually worked to get him to sleep. Oh yeah...in case you are wondering. My wife is working grave yard on the weekends and studying most of the time. I am on my own on the weekends. This also really frustrates me. This means I am working on the weekends too. Sometimes she leaves me with the kids on the weekdays. I am left to fend on my own with all three kids. I should be understanding, but that is another post. I felt bad yelling at my kids. After Bebe goes to bed, I go to their room and whisper in their ears. "I am sorry". They wake up. I kiss them goodnight and say their prayers. They are sweet. They tell me they are sorry. I tell them it is not their fault. They forgive me and I kiss them one last time. I also get them water. Usually they ask me for water after they get in bed. This bugs me because I tell them to get it before they get in bed. This time it does not bother me. I feel bad cause I already yelled at them too much during the day. I get them water. Kiss them goodnight again. lol. I know. We are very touchy feely. lol. I go to my room and watch the news. I almost fall asleep. My mother in law knocks on my door. I think to myself is this night ever going to end. I almost ignore her. I should have. She asks me is my wife home. No. She is not. She is working on my daughter's costume for All Saints Day. She is going to be "La Virgen de Guadalupe". This is going to be on Thursday. We have time people. Do not come in almost 20 mins to 10 o'clock. Let me sleep. My wife gets home shortly after. She wakes me up too. No one is letting me get to sleep. It is like the day that never ends. Just like the post that never ends. Goodness. Finally, I get to sleep. I was supposed to be annoyed and kind of mad at the wife for leaving me all day. I think dozing off for a little bit, when she got home I forgot all about it. I am weird like that. I can't hold a grudge. I should, but I can't. I never got my drink. I need to buy some whiskey. It sure was a a long day. I just needed to get that out.

the satisfaction of something new

Never underestimate the feeling of something new. Still...the feeling of this new object eventually fades. The routine of life sets in. The object no longer has the same luster. I think about this for many reasons. I purchased a 55 inch tv. It is nice. I am not complaining. I got it because I had no expenses. Well...it turns out my computer craps out. My ipod was limping by. Well...the ipod has to wait. The computer could not. I had to purchase a computer and a still pay the television. I am dirt poor right now. I paid it off. I have a problem paying interest. Especially since these m-fers are charging 20.9 apr%. I don't know how much it is a month, but it is a lot more than I am willing to pay. I guess I will have to just pay it back to my savings. Boo to me. The point is this. I am stuck with this huge tv. My kids love it. I am okay with it. I could have waited for this purchase. It is not wow-ing me. In my brain, I had visualized me playing my video games (I don't play video games that much). I imagined me watching all these great shows in high definition on television. I hardly watch tv. I think I can also equate this to other things. Anyway, I fixed my ipod. It only cost me $19. I know. It was awesome. Don't want to think anymore. Ok. thanks.

The one about saying hello.

I am having my own Seinfeld moment. I work in a building with a lot of window out into the other offices. Picture a mall. I don't work at the mall, but it is similar to a mall location. All the offices have huge windows facing the hallway. Well...there are these two girls that I always say hi to. I just want to ignore them, but without being rude. I want to say to them, "Look girls...I will talk to you if you have something you really want to tell me". Your choking and need me to give you mouth to mouth or the heimlech(?). I think the Heimleck(?) really should go first. I am trained to do CPR people. I did lose my card. Anyway, her office is located on the way to the restroom. They should give them blinds!! I would love that. It would solve the problem. I drink a lot of water and hence make my run to the restroom often. It is healthy! I am a little concientious of them looking at me and thinking that dude is going to crap or pee or whatever way too much. Still there is one hello that is ackward. The rest of the time I can ignore them. lol. Still that one hello is like bad. I have gone down the back way to go to the restroom just to avoide the ackward first and only hello. The problem with that is that I would need my keys to return that way. My keys are bulky. What to do what to do? It is not like we actually talk at all. We say hello to each other when she is around. There is nothing else. I want to just severe the hello connection. I dont think it is necessary. If she needs something and wants to come to my office and flesh it out....yeah I went there. lol, then we can talk. I have no issues with that. I will take care of you. Either way. Mal pensados. lol. I am just saying. It did not go well for Seinfeld on the show. It is something I will have to investigate.

slowly plugging away.

A friend emailed me at 3 in the morning. She could not sleep. I flashback to my tender age of 7. I think I was 7. I used to not be able to sleep. I would be in my room with my brother and he would be snoring away. It got to the point that I used to get a small black and white tv and watch late night tv. I dont know what I used to watch. I mean I was 7. I dont even remember if it was good or bad. I wonder, if you had the ability to go back and watch everything you did, would you do it? I don't think I would. I would feel stupid at some of the things I did. Still...I would gloss over some of the things I did do.

Oh man...they let me out early on Friday. Did I go home early? No. I went to Stanley's. Simbah and I went to get one beer. It turns out 2 beers and 2 shots later I am on my way home. I have no gas in the car. I have to do changitos all the way home to make it on time for my wife to go to work. I knew I was going to get home on the fumes I had in my gas tank, but the stress was still there. The rest of the night was without incident. It was one of those moment that I find myself in sometimes. I just thought I would share. lol.

forgive my transgression

Do you remember the last time you were in love? lol. I know. I am always in love. Still...do you recall when it faded like a flower out of bloom. It withered away. I do. I remember them. I remember how it bloomed and saw it fizzle out. It makes me sad. I understand it. All things must pass. Nothing can really last forever. I wish it were true. I am realistic like that.

This same principle can be applied to any situation. If you are having a crisis, then calm down and say to yourself, "This too shall pass". It is a verse in the Bible. I have gone thru a lot of things. Happy, sad, stressful, and amazing things. Let me not focus on one thing. Let me recall the good ones. Let me learn from the bad ones too. This way life will be good to me. It will be my friend until the end. Thanks for listening to introspective inner being.

Talking about death and panicking.

Hello all,

This blog will be about many thoughts going thru my head. I apologize beforehand. My thought are not always kosher. I have been thinking about death. Don't worry I am not going to kill myself or anyone for that matter. Still...halloween being around the corner. Death has been on my mind. I remember when I was a kid I used to be afraid of death. There was a guy on my block that told me that there was going to be World War III and a nuclear bomb was going to go off. Soldiers were going to come and kill us all. I was a kid and he scared the crap out of me. I had many thought of how I was going to befriend them and not get myself killed. I know how simplistic. These are the thoughts of a little kid. I was about 5-6. This resulted in panic attacks over the whole death topic. They used to occur when I would focus on death. The idea that I would be a mortal man that will not longer be here. My brain would malfunction and I would panic and hurt myself to not think about it. I would dig my nails into my arm. I would bite myself. I would scream and jump around. I had these little panic attacks up until I got into college. I took a class on death and how to deal with it. It did help me. It helped me think about it and not be so afraid. I believe at some point I thought that a person in their old will get tired of life and would eventually would like to just go to sleep permanently. Granted this is not taking into consideration religion. Tell you the truth that is another topic that really makes me think. I would rather not really get into it here. Well...not at this time.

Lets change topic...blogs. I had a conversation with someone. They were commenting on my blog about being open about myself on here and how it takes courage. I believe the response was not a very good response. It was a response that explained it in that moment. Lets see if I can flesh this out a little more. I am honest and truthful here. It is my sanctuary. Everyone has their own place. This is because this place is anonymous. There is no face and no real person. These are just words. I can be honest here because no one judges me. I have been blogging for almost two years. Wait...I have been blogging for two years. I am working on my third year. I have made friends here. People have commented on these words. I thank you for that. The thoughts and fears that come into my head now are because these people know me. They have seen me face to face. Well...some of you have seen me face to face. Others are still wondering what i look like. Maybe they really do not care. At any rate, I have decided to not care what people think. This place will still be my fortress of solitude very much like Superman's Fortress of Solitude. I will still keep writing my thoughts. I hope you keep coming back. If you do not, then it shall be that way. I guess this was an explanation for my blog hiatus. This is one of the reasons. There are more. Oh man...someone stop this guy from ranting. Ttyl.

Su Sombra

ella me llama del pasado
del abismo de el olvido
su nombre la sombra
que cubre mis ojos
los que me quitan la intencion
del querer olvidar
y querer sentir
su cuerpo contra el mio
sus gemidos lentos
llenos de pasion
frutos de un amor
que no puede olvidar

The ride home

Ok...I am back. I am not sure how long this will last. I have been dealing with a lot of complex emotions internally. I have been fighting inner demons. Still...I don't want you guys to think am riddled with all these problems and sitting in a corner somewhere rocking back and forth mumbling thing under my breath. It only happened once. I think it was the fish I ate. lol.

Speaking of funny things. I wanted to relay about two conversations I had. One I was walking with a co-worker at a park near our office. Simbah, as he will now be known, was telling me one of his many stories. It began, "This one time I was so fucked up". I began to laugh. He laughed too. We have gone out and hung out at Union a couple of times. Sonrisa has come out and other friends have graced us with their presence. At any rate, I told him, "Dude all your stories begin like that". We laughed again as we were walking. You see the first time we had happy hour after work. It was going to be Sonrisa and I going to Union. I decided to invite Simbah for the ride. He graciously agreed to come out. Well...we got there and began to drink lightly. He on the other hand was catching up. I don't know with who because we had all gotten there at the same time. I am assuming he was catching up with the other patrons that had been there earlier. Mind you, we were not with them. Still he ordered a whiskey and a corona. I mean at the same time. Needless to say, he ended up real fucked up. lol. This man rides his bike to work. It is all good and well, but when you are smashed, dont think so. He was telling me to take him to his bike. I was like, " I am driving you home, man!" He was like no way just point me to my bike I will walk there and then head home on it. lol. It was calamity at its best. He was telling us stories before heading out of Union and having other madness ensue. There was madness. We ended up at Jewel to pick up more liquor and chips. I think. We also went to another girls house to sing kareoke. Well...that was not the intention. *wink* Get your mind out of the gutter. I was thinking for more drinks and conversation. Mal pensados!! Anyway, all his stories began with, "This one time I was so fucked up". It was funny. I guess it is a had to be there moment. In summation, Simbah is a freaking hilarious cat.

I was driving home yesterday. The reason I bring this all up is because I was talking to Sonrisa on my way home. I was trying to convince her to get me an autographed memorabilia from Carlos Zambrano for my son. He is a baseball fan. He was going to be at a book store in Pilsen area yesterday. She lives close by there, but she was on her way to see a Chicago Fire game with Rico. Yes, Sonrisa...his name is Rico. lol. Simbah came up in our conversation. I was telling her about our walk in the park and we relived that day. Oh yeah, I forgot to mention, as I was driving Simbah home, he passed out in my car. I have never taken him home before. I did not know where he lived or what his apartment looked like. I just knew the general area where he lived, but no actual address. It was classic as my daughter would say. My daughter is too funny. Sonrisa and I had another SaniSon moment. The hilarious things we say. The things we talk about. They are just crazy. I mean really crazy. You can ask her. I think we would do a good job podcasting or on the radio.

Speaking of podcast, check out Latin Roll's Podcast. It is awesome. Thanks Cindylu for the heads up. I learned I am into indie music. DC thanks for the journal stuff. It reminded me to take out my old one. I have two. I had forgotten about them. It has stories of my kids and sketches and poems and other little thoughts. Scribbles too that I can't decipher, but oh well. Well...there is my story and I am sticking to it. Have a good time in lala land.